Our Master's Voices

Whew! Long time, no blog!

The past month has been all about outline hell. And I don't mean that as a cute little euphemism; it was literally HELL. Part of it is that I HATE outlines. You have to explain so much before you've really had the chance to work out who the characters are. So when you get a note like "What's the main character's voice?" it can be a little frustrating. The outline process seems to have become more important than the script process. The studios and networks need to know every little thing that's going to be in the script. They don't want to be surprised. They can't afford to trust the writer anymore. This comes as a shock to people who haven't done TV in awhile. It can blow your mind. And not in a good way.

On the heels of this comes the news that Akiva Goldsman will be paid four million dollars to "adapt" Dan Brown's "Angels & Demons." Something tells me that Akiva ROCKS outlines because for him, it isn't about exploring character. It's about making the little fuckers do what you want them to do, no matter what as long as it's simple and uncomplicated to a retarded degree. Akiva doesn't strike me as the type of writer who finds cool character moments when he's writing. On the other hand, that doesn't mean that he's a plot guy because so far, he hasn't struck me as caring one little bit about plot, either. So what exactly does this dude do that garners him four million dollars for transcribing another Dan Brown book?

No, I'm seriously asking that. Does anyone know? Does he do whatever a director like Ron Howard tells him to do without ever defending anything HE wants to do? Does he comb Brian Grazer's hair just the way he likes it? WHAT IS IT? WHAT DOES HE DO? I'm dying to know. Does anyone know this cat? Is he just a great guy to be around? Because from what I can see, he's merely competent on his very best days. I think he's the kind of writer that most producers and executives want all writers to be. Just transcriptionists, not artists. It would be a lot easier if the writers would just write down stuff the executives say, rather than arguing about why such-and-such won't work.

The reason someone like Goldsman makes me so mad is because there are SO many writers who aren't like him. Not all of them are, thankfully, struggling. Some of them have climbed the ladder and have taken their integrity with them. But others just stab their children in the back and toss them down the well for that big paycheck. The trickiest thing to do in Hollywood is to learn that balance. When do you question a note, and when do you compromise. You can't exist at one extreme or the other. Or can you? Can you be a right hack who ALWAYS compromises and still climb that ladder? Maybe if you're Akiva Goldsman. I love one announcement about "Angels & Demons" that said Goldsman would have to make sense of Dan Brown's plot. Huh. Right. Like he's going to HAVE to do anything other than typing in dialogue. Unfortunately for Goldsman, "Angels & Demons" is a substantially better book than "The DaVinci Code." That isn't saying much but given how impossibly wretched "The DaVinci Code" is, "Angels & Demons" can't help but be better. The plot is quite a bit less linear than "The DaVinci Code," and I don't think Brown steals as liberally in this book. It's at best an enjoyable read. So Goldsman is going to have to make an actual effort here.

Or I guess he doesn't need to. They gave this guy an Oscar, for God's sake! He can just do whatever the fuck he wants. Things like this are never good for writers; they're only good for that one annointed hack. And today, it's Akiva Goldsman. I really don't know how you can just crap stuff out the way he does. Aspire to something more than four million bucks, dude. And you know what? Prove me wrong. Write the hell out of that thing. Earn your money.

I'm extra mad about this because I've seen two wonderful movies that are about the power of storytelling -- "Stranger than Fiction" and "Pan's Labyrinth." STF has that plot that every writer wants to do -- a writer is approached by one of their characters. But the beauty of this film is that writer Zach Helm doesn't try to explain it. He explores it. "Pan's Labyrinth" is a lovely film about the power of myth, and that's all I'm gonna say because everyone should see it, especially people who are familiar with children's urban fantasy. Seeing two films that feature such a love of storytelling makes the Goldsman thing tougher to swallow. You could program a robot to do what he does, and you wouldn't have to pay it four million dollars.

I don't think writing should be treated like you're dealing with the Anderson account. It's hard, and you have to be totally committed to it. You shouldn't just be able to shut it off and clock out at five. It requires more of you. People who do the bare minimum and just get by are never going to be fulfilled and really, maybe writing isn't for them. Writers who aren't always thinking of the next project will remain incurious and their work won't grow. I don't get that mentality at all. And maybe Akiva doesn't have it. Maybe he really hustles and works his ass off. If that's the case, pay the cat four million dollars.

Now that I've alienated Akiva Goldsman, I will tell the people who keep badgering me to watch Heroes to KNOCK IT THE HELL OFF. I work in TeeVee. I don't need to watch shows I don't enjoy. It's the same thing with sushi. I tried it and didn't like it. I don't feel compelled to eat it until I finally like it. I loathed the Heroes pilot. Deal, okay? My personal reasons for hating it could be overcome by it actually being something I want to watch. It isn't. I've already explored that world and don't have any compulsion to tune in to watch characters I hate. It's not like I'm going to get anything out of it professionally, either; the success of Heroes is not going to mean that TeeVee will suddenly be open to genre material. That only worked once, with X-Files. And you saw what good came out of THOSE shows. The only genre that works on network TeeVee is genre that tells its audience that it's NOT genre -- i.e., "Sure, we have genre elements but we're using them to illustrate REAL HUMAN EMOTION. Just bear with us; we don't take the genre shit seriously either but we're going to elevate this genre if it kills us."

Not. Interested.

What will be interesting is to see if any fun shows are being developed for next year. Because this heavy serialized crap? Really not fun. Am I the only person who wants to see a new Rockford Files? Or, hell, a new Simon & Simon? Riptide? Magnum? I can't be the only one.

Speaking of fun, I hope everyone has seen the new James Bond movie. Daniel Craig is almost otherworldly in it. Best Bond in years. Decades, actually.

Ah... it feels good to get a little screed out of my system! We've finally gotten through the torturous outline maze and are writing the actual script for the pilot. There are two parts of this process that I love -- pitching pilots and writing the first draft. For me, this is the most creative part of the process, fleshing out the characters and finding their voices. So hopefully, our first draft will be fun.

And now, enough procrastinating. On to the next act...