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Us writers have spent the past seven weeks trying to figure out how the AMPTP monolith thinks. The theory is, if we can grok that, we can bring this strike to an end. And what better time to see the good in everybody than the holiday season?
Much to my surprise, I have learned that the favorite Christmas song of the monolith is Bob Carlisle's "The Christmas Shoes." I know, right? The most intractable, emotionless pod people have fallen for the definition of Christmas treacle. I found this out when surfing the interwebs. They had even put up the lyrics on their website, as a testament to their resolve and their Jesus-love.
Now, I'm no fan of the song (us writers are a Godless, cynical lot, after all), but I listened to the song several times when it was released so I could make fun of it. So I was a little surprised to find that they'd altered the lyrics. Sort of like they altered the bargain (pray they don't alter it any further). Luckily, I saved the rewrite because they were hastily removed from the website. Afraid of writer blowback, I assume. I leave it to you, gentle readers, to judge for yourself. Are they evil, or just misunderstood?
The Christmas Shoes
It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in Payless Shoes
Can't afford Brunos, stupid writers made me blue
Standing right in front of me was a little boy, blond and cute
Looked like a gaffer's kid, definitely crew
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes
He wore a Chuck tee and a House cap,
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick since the writers went on strike
And I know these shoes, she would very much like
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama used to work on House
But the stupid writers made us go without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes
My Grinch heart grew three sizes,
His hair was gorgeous and so were his eyes-es
So I laid my Visa down,
Did he need to go downtown?
I hoped he'd take the bait.
I'll never forget how his angelic boy-face glowed when he said
Mama's gonna look so great
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick since the writers went on strike
And I know these shoes, she would very much like
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
We went to my car, he didn't feel the shove
Or the chloroformed cloth
Over his mouth, as it frothed.
He jerked once then twice,
Then he was still.
And I started to feel that familiar old thrill.
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To fill me, the AMPTP,
With the misery of true Christmas joy.
This feeds my mogul soul,
I thought, as I unhinged my jaw and I swallowed him whole.
Happy holidays, gentle readers!
np - Nada Surf, "Lucky."
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11 comments:
Great job. I heard Rupert Murdoch sings this to his grandchildren as a lullaby.
Great rewrite! No notes!
P.S. It really needed a third act. But much as I like your version, I can't decide if I'll forgive you for sending me off in search of the original. Ewww!
Happy holidays to everyone here and more particularly to Erin and Kay ! And I certainly won't forget to celebrate the "Midnight of the Century" 10th birthday! I am in the middle of writing something about it and i'll send it to this blog ASAP. Because, yes, I did became a different person after watching that episode and I'll NEVER forget it !
Now I don't feel so bad that this: The Waitresses Christmas Wrapping is my favorite Christmas song.
Happy Holidays, Kay.
And I bet you're glad we're not walking the line for a couple of weeks, right. I mean, i don't know about you, but my feet could use the rest.
Very descriptive.
Loved the shout out to Payless Shoes. That place has kept my feet in slightly fashionable pain for years.
3:38 pm
Wanna knew why Christmas sucks this year? Stop scratching your heads in wonderment, stop feverishly outwriting eachother on screenwriting blogs and Listen Up -- the WGA is getting laughed out of the negotiating room by the Producers for bringing Reality to the table and here’s why. Verron and company made the attempt to organize reality a awhile back and it flopped like a dying fish and the writers of America’s Next Top Model all lost their jobs. Why did it flop? Not because the Producers brought the hammer down -- of course they brought the hammer down! No, it flopped because the WGA rank and file, despite their current red t-shirt, little red cookbook, coal-miner’s, Norma Rae, power to the people rhetoric, didn’t support it.
Yes, I know a few real writers came out and walked the lines with these folks (this is your cue to chime in if you were there, I have no doubt you will), but face it, it was overall a pathetic show of support. The rest not only didn’t support it, most pretended they didn’t even know it was happening. Hands over ears “La-la-la-la-I’m busy on a spec, I’m busy on a pilot, I have a meeting for a big job.” Why was it a pathetic display of support? Here’s why. And brace yourself: because the rank and file of the WGA (most, I’ll venture an opinion) don’t consider the people that make “Survivor,” “Amazing Race, ” “Top Chef” or any of it, real writing. They are an elitist organization, pure and simple. Now, I’m sort of OK with that. Elitist suggests elite. Elitist often works (Harvard, MIT, anyone?) But it’s true. Go to artfulwriter.com, find the thread on “reality campaign is dead” and read it. Read Josh Olson’s oh-so-witty rants about how it’s not real writing. He makes a damn compelling case for Reality not being written. Find how many WGA members include “laaa-ser” quotes around the word “writing.” It’s all there. Pre-strike Truth. Of course now they want reality to stand up en masse and walk out on their 3000 week “Survivor” paychecks (not writing) so the folks on “According to Jim” (writing) can get their fair share. Now they need reality “writers” for the cause. Welcome “writers”! They say. But see it reeks of desperation and hypocrisy.
The Producers see it as much as I do. Yes, the reality writers/editors (preditors, they are called, and they can create a compelling story out of a close up of a stick of butter and a soundbite from Mother Teresa -- they are storytellers, folks) need coverage, they need benefits, they work too many hours. Fo’ sho’. But many of the ones I know would rather continue working that way, and find their own way through the dark woods of show business than run after Shawn Ryan’s WGA bus (it’s a tour bus, actually, very sleek), hoping it will slow down to pick them up. Then, of course, take a welcome seat...in the back. I support the WGA 100 percent and hope they bring these crusty old billionaires to their crusty old knees. But stop being such obvious opportunists. Your enemies are not idiots. They see the game that’s being played out and are laughing at the obviousness of the strategy. Let me anticipate your well-formed, well-written come-backs: 1) I’m aiding and abetting right now because in wartime, dissension is Morally Wrong or at the very least just Not Cool. I Disagree. 2) I have no stake in the fight. I definately do.
My suggested solution? Just be elitist, for chrissake! Embrace it. Stop painting yourselves Blue Collar or Red T-shirt. Stop confusing the issues. Stop giving your enemies ammo. They may be rich, but they aren’t stupid. Just be writers! Forget Reality. It’s too late to make that case. You had your chance. Besides, nobody ever apologized for going to MIT, and they certainly wouldn’t bring Bowling Green alumni to help them in a crunch. Or is it “Bowling Green.” At the very least, be consistent. Your leadership doesn’t understand how you feel. They might actually think that Reality “writing” is ...writing. Most of you, based on the past facts of your union ..”don’t.”
Anonymous, honey, we're not on strike over reality, no matter how much the AMPTP wants you to believe that we are.
Thanks, though.
And hey, anonymous, this blog was quiet before you came by to piss on it. You check the timestamp here, on other blogs? It's been quiet during the holidays, because people have been trying to make the holidays work despite all this disruption. No fever, no outwriting -- guess the projection's hot and heavy where you're at....
Glad the corporations are paying you during this holiday period, so you don't have to think whether what you're doing is anywhere near ethical or just. Saying you support the writers of reality shows and yet say they like their present situation of exploitation, even though they protested for proper representation -- well, that's just talking out of both sides of your mouth, isn't it? Who do you want to like you? The writers of reality shows you put down more than you lift up? Or the WGA writers who need to understand what reality shows do, so misunderstandings and divisions can no longer be exploited as scab ammunition?
And, punkin, some of the Ivy League showbiz people I know started out in reality and stayed there. Reality work scratches their documentary itch. People from all economic levels work in this business, but the ones who are richest now are celebrating the holidays in Aspen, rather than planning their picketing schedule.
You talk a good game about class consciousness, but if you want class war, real class war, it's not going to break down the way you want -- fights never do, because people are involved, with their complexities, and things are bad enough without encouraging non-reality writers to be assholes like you. We need to be better than corporations' reps, not worse.
If you have examples of people blogging about their reality work, post the links. If you don't want those evil nasty WGA people to speak for them, let them speak for themselves -- if their bosses allow them to post anything more than AMPTP talking points.
cgeye:
Ever read Fightin' Mad Mary, aka Hollywood Reality Star? She's a Reality TV (and damn proud of it) editor (her spouse is also a producer), who likes to brag about her work, all the famous people she sees, and that rents her house out for production work (personally, I think they shoot porn at her house)? I've met her, she' not remotely interested in joining the WGA or any other union, and takes a dim view of us WGA snobs. To her we're over paid scum. Of course, if I was married to management, I might think the same thing.
And I've seen and heard conversations of other writers that are WGA members, who are either writing uncover for certain studios or have asked that their agents submit work to studios by removing their [the writer's] name off the script...
Not everybody is pro-WGA, but I bet when all this gets settled (and it will), they'll all take advantage of the benefits that those of us on the line have fought to gain with our sacrifices.
Kay, Sorry to have to leave a comment like this on your blog but I have to correct Jake.
Jake, aka The Hollywood Hack aka the man in the baseball cap.
You don't know me so don't speak for me. You and I have never had a conversion about the strike. You are a creepy internet stalker that tries to hide behind your anonymity. You're not anonymous on the internet. I decided to stalk my stalker and now I have your photo. I'll post your photo on my blog if you keep flaming me.
Yes I am damn proud to have transformed my career from a public school teacher to a reality tv editor/preditor. Yes I do write a reality tv episode with my editing but I do not think that the WGA is the right union for me. I only wish that MPEG had the same balls, if they did I would gladly join. I'm lucky enough to work for a company that provides 401k and health and dental, that's more than most reality companies.
Yes my husband is a producer, but what you don't know is that he is also a writer...Jake, when you assume you make an ass out of you!
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