Oh, Los Angeles Times. Are you trying to make me think you're Entertainment Weakly? I feel the need to add my name to the growing blogroll of rantees. This is the beginning of a column that seems to have been written twenty years ago, but apparently is only a week or so old. I know, right?? It is called, I SHIT YOU NOT, "The Girl's Guide To Comic Con 2009." And yes, it CAN get more stereotypical and offensive than just the title. Watch:
Comic-Con. It's not just for nerdy guys anymore.
And it's not all just about the influx of squealing "Twilight" girls, either. This summer's event, taking place July 23-26 in the San Diego Convention Center, could shape up to be a smorgasbord for female fandemonium. (We say "could" because the official rundown of panels and events won't be officially released until next month.) But we've got a pretty good idea of what eager girls can expect (aside from one heck of a line for the "New Moon" session). Other vampires will be in their midst ("True Blood" and CW's upcoming "Vampire Diaries") but also kick-ass TV heroines ("Dollhouse" and "Chuck"), the muscle behind "G.I. Joe" (Channing Tatum, anyone?), perhaps a return visit from Robert Downey Jr. (hawking "Iron Man 2") and, if we're lucky, Brad Pitt himself (for "Inglourious Basterds").
Holy effing crap. Where to start? Okay, the Quentin Tarantino thing seems easy enough. When Reservoir Dogs came out and I went to see it, this dude goes, "Um, why are you at this movie?" He said that, you see, because Reservoir Dogs is a boy movie. My presence at Reservoir Dogs confused him. I imagined that when he got home from his he-man movie night, his Barbie girlfriend would bore him with her breathy recitation of the sparkly princess movie she saw with her Skipper and Midge friends. Gender roles: Safe!!
Anyway, girls are apparently not supposed to see Quentin Tarantino movies, unless Brad Pitt is in them playing another actor. Hmm? Girls aren't supposed to get the movie references either? Oops.
Let's skim through some of the highlights.
'Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time'
Women will be rushing the stage, offering to do star Jake Gyllenhaal's laundry on those washboard abs that he acquired for the film, since he spends much of it fighting, shirtless or both. Jake, we don't want to know how to quit you.
Maybe if the girly girls are lucky, Jake will give them money to buy a new hat, and then he'll let them sing in the show. But not if they go off and do something crazy with Ethel!
Edward and Jacob appear shirtless in the upcoming "Twilight" sequel, so arrive to Hall H early – as in a week or two before – to beat out all the other would-be Bellas who will no doubt descend. A word of caution: Robert Pattinson is currently filming a romantic comedy (opposite “Lost’s” Emilie de Ravin) in New York so he might be M.I.A. Still, count on the publicity-loving-yet-affable Taylor Lautner showing up to talk about how he bulked up -- and fast -- to play the buffer-than-buff Jacob.
Would-be Bellas, hmm? As in, "I would have a personality and a point of view, but I need to be fought over by a vampire and a werewolf, both of whom want nothing more than to protect me. Oh, and fuck me, too. Secondarily." This genre is hilarious. Most recently we were graced with the Laurell Hamilton books and the Charlaine Harris Sookie Stackhouse books. Tanya Huff has the triangle, too, but it's vampire-girl heroine-human cop. Now, Tanya Huff can actually write. And the triangle works on True Blood because the characters are not just the sum of their fur or teeth. But seriously. No more. It's no longer fresh or new. And really, women don't WANT to be fought over. They really don't. That's just something men think women want. Moving on:
'Time Traveler's Wife'
Picture the wonderful sappiness of "The Notebook," replace Ryan Gosling with equally appealing Eric Bana, and inject a different hapless conflict to keep him from Rachel McAdams. In this case, Bana's character's got a gene that causes him to leap through time without the wife. Oh yes, bring on the bittersweet tears.
I can't picture the sappiness of The Notebook because you couldn't pay me enough to see it. Nicholas Sparks is the non-genre version of Stephanie Meyer. Now, I love me some time travel, but I'm talking 12 Monkeys, or Terminator. Or the first science fiction book I ever read -- The Time Machine. Not sure who the love interest was in THAT...
Alex O'Loughlin for 'Whiteout'
What more do you need than the hunkiest Aussie to ever play the undead ... alive and in the flesh? And as long as he uses his real accent, he can talk all about this murder mystery set in Antarctica. Male lead Gabriel Macht isn't too shabby either.
Are you fucking KIDDING ME? What year is this???
Vampire-lovers have it all wrong. Werewolves can keep you warm, sympathize with your monthly curse, sniff out where you lost your keys and not thirst for your sweet, sweet blood. Bonus: Benicio del Toro's natural wolf-y looks won't even require hair and makeup for the panel.
Did a human being who gets paid to write for a living just say "monthly curse?" Can I have your job?
The Mad Hatter Johnny Depp in 'Alice in Wonderland'
"Alice in Wonderland" alone would be a draw for many girls, but add in the fact that quirky hotness Johnny Depp, right, is set to play the Mad Hatter, and you could have a mad (crazy) crowd of women seeking a glimpse of him on stage.
Yes, Alice In Wonderland. That darling story about LSD. Little girls LOVE that shit. Oh... you mean because Alice is adorable and wears an apron, of course...
The men of 'True Blood'
To be honest, Stephen Moyer's 173-year-old Southern gent of a vamp is our least favorite on Alan Ball's swampy HBO series. He's alright -- and there's no not enjoying the sexy way he says "Sookie" (rhymes with "cookie") -- but we much prefer his supernatural co-stars: Alexander Skarsgard's steely-eyed bad vamp Eric and Sam Trammel's sweet, shape-shifter Sam. Of course, we've also got a soft spot for Ryan Kwanten's Jason, the Sookie's clueless blond brother.
COULD YOU FUCKING STOP SAYING WE???????
'Where the Wild Things Are'
Two words: Mark Ruffalo.
Two words: Fuck you.
Those witchy women of Eastwick
Get your female empowerment right here. John Updike's novel about three women who find their lives turned upside down and mysterious personal powers unleashed when a devlish man moves to town, gets the network series treatment courtesy of ABC. Plus, you know the wardrobe of Rebecca Romijn, Sara Rue and Lindsay Price is going to give those "Desperate" housefraus a run for their money.
I love how people think "female empowerment" is just what happens when three hot girls (who happen to be severely under the thumb of men) are onscreen together. I doubt very much that any woman would agree with the idea that empowerment involves some dude who comes to town and controls all of those women through their vaginas. But one of the girls is shy, wears glasses and has her hair up. I wonder what will happen with that in the pilot?????
The ladies who recall the '80s miniseries this is based on will be hoping for a repeat of that forbidden reptilian allure, the ultimate in star-crossed lovers. Morris Chestnut and Scott Wolf provide the requisite eye candy, but it's "Serenity" stars Alan Tudyk and Morena Baccarin who will have all the Whedonettes giddy for talk of a possible reunion (uh, even though Wash died).
I couldn't give less of a shit about the starcrossed bladdy blah. Jane Badler ate a fucking rat.
'Supernatural'/'Smallville'/ The CW hunks
Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki and Tom Welling are splitting up on the CW after a long run together, but that just means more nights of hunky goodness. Who knows how long Welling's "Smallville" will be around, so let's appreciate him while we can. Jensen and Jared ... isn't brotherly love beautiful?
Apparently, that show is going to be around forever. And now Brian Austin Green has been pulled into the suck void that is Smallville. A huge waste of an actor who deserves better. There is NO part of comeback or reinvention that involves joining the cast of a ten billion year old CW show.
'Caprica,' sci-fi for girls and guys
"Battlestar Galactica" taught us that there are girls galore watching sci-fi. "Caprica" adds an element of family drama and even soap opera addiction (it's been called "Dynasty" in space) that may even be able to build on the greatness of mourned "BSG."
You know what else taught us that "girls" are watching science fiction? THE FACT THAT THEY'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR FUCKING DECADES.
Channing Tatum in 'G.I. Joe'
People may pooh-pooh dance flicks, but not when Channing Tatum, former underwear model, is in them. And some girls may steer clear of high-testosterone action films, but the same applies. There's also Sienna Miller, Marlon Wayans, Dennis Quaid and some others, but it's Tatum as Duke that may be the girl-draw.
Is there another actor on the planet with blanker eyes than Channing Tatum? Does ANY woman actually LIKE this guy? Channing Tatum is the dude that other dudes think women like, because other dudes are secretly gay.
'Dollhouse'/'Chuck'/Girls who kick butt!
Girls that can kill you with a quick chop to the throat should always be applauded. And "Dollhouse's" Echo (Eliza Dushku) and "Chuck's" CIA Agent Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strahovski) dole out butt-kicking goodness pretty often. Echo is sometimes a bit airheady, but don't be on the wrong side of a downloaded killer. And for Sarah, touch Chuck, and you might lose something valuable.
That's great, because Lord knows Dollhouse is JUST about fighting. It doesn't have anything to do with the nature of humanity. Because that stuff is BORING. It makes my girl head hurt.
These little gems come to us courtesy of LATimes.com people Denise Martin and Jevon Phillips, Zap2It monsters Hanh Nguyen and Brill Bundy (Brill does not understand female empowerment) and Zap2It's Rick Porter, who is mightily offensive but pales in comparison to these other idiots.
Hey, L.A. Times? No big shocker newspapers are going down the toilet. Not with offensive shit like this.
The people who matter know that this article is bullshit. They know that women (not GIRLS, you fetid dimwits) who like genre aren't rare creatures who need to be studied. But articles like this DO perpetuate the stereotype. And that stereotype is heard, by executives, producers, and other writers. Hell, I remember not getting a meeting on a show because the producer told our agent that girls don't know anything about sports.
This is NOT helpful. It means that the same tiny circle of people -- generally white men, and nothing against them because you take what you can get -- are going to continue creating television and film. There isn't room for other viewpoints, because of these stereotypes.
I'll stop there, because this post is bleeding into another one that I'll write next week.
But seriously. FUCK the L.A. Times. I thought TJ Simers was bad... but MAN.