It's a testament to how far Doctor Who has fallen in my estimation that I didn't torrent last week's episode and instead chose to watch it on shitty Time Warner cable, with BBC America's hacktastic "editors" deciding where to stick act outs. Sadly, their chop-sockying isn't ruining my appreciation for the show because this year, same as last year, the show is bad (with a few exceptions -- dug the season opener, and Neil Gaiman's episode proved that the show doesn't have to suck if some deft writing and a love for something other than wowing an audience with puzzles is involved). But this year it's bad in a different way. Because THIS year, Steven Moffat has to write A WHOLE NEW SEASON for a WOMAN.
And I'm sure he sat there and went, "How the fuck do I do THAT? I already made her an adorable little girl. Everyone likes little girls. I made her a mini-skirt wearing hottie. Ditto. I made everyone love her, because who doesn't love a hottie who used to be an adorable little girl? But now it's another year. I married her off, of course, because HELLO, she's a WOMAN, that's what she's FOR. But the trouble is, she still has to travel with the Doctor. Luckily I can bring Rory along, because EVERYBODY KNOWS that no self-respecting husband would just let his wife trot off on her own, even someone as sweet as Rory. But I'm still stuck with Amy freaking Pond, who has already fulfilled one of her major womanly duties by marrying. I guess the only other thing I can do is start digging into that womb. Because aside from being a good wife, what IS a woman FOR? We all know that if a woman doesn't spit out kids she's not much of a woman. It's just going to be hard in the TARDIS and all, traveling through space and whatnot, but it obviously has to happen because there's nothing else to do with the old girl. I guess I'll science fantasy it all up, do my typical lazy, sloppy retconning -- oh! This flesh episode! I can do it in that one! And if I make sure Matt Smith talks a mile a minute, which isn't hard because that is what I've spent a season beating into him, then he can blah-blah-blah and nobody will question it. I AM A FUCKING GENIUS! Now Amy can FINALLY have the kid she's supposed to have because she's a woman and it can be all important and stuff because it's science fantasy and I'm quite certain that NOBODY in the HISTORY of GENRE has EVER used a woman's womb as something QUITE so important. It'll be like she was a queen back in the day or summat, like Anne Boleyn (STUPID woman, just have a BOY, you silly old cow) or any of them, really, because all they had to do was produce a fucking HEIR so the MEN could get ON with the business of running the WORLD. Yes, Amy's baby will be SPECIAL -- MY GOD SERIOUSLY I AM A GENIUS OF GENIUS PROPORTIONS -- and the best thing is -- YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS, MY DEVOTED FANBASE -- the Doctor will know all of this (I mean, HE'S THE DOCTOR AND A MAN AFTER ALL) but he won't tell her because it's inevitable anyway and she's a woman with her girl head so why bother her with it, so he won't tell her and then she'll wake up and be SO FUCKING PREGNANT and it'll be like that episode of Mad Men where Betty Draper gave birth. Because I am BETTER than Matt Weiner, who was just doing something stupid like showing how horrific giving birth was back in the Sixties and continuing to develop this female character who people seem to like for some reason, but she's a horrible mother and a terrible wife so I don't get it. But mine is better, because it's SPACE! And people will FIGHT over Amy Pond and although the person putting these words into my horrifically misogynistic mouth hasn't seen the latest episode yet, she will say that I'll probably wreck River Song too because HELLO, woman."